Monday, September 10, 2007
We are proud of being featured on Gawker last Friday. It is the only site on the web that is more about mastubatory pursuits than this one. We've been flooded with submissions in the wake. This little gem, on the classic subject of the "taped over video" was submitted by the talented Jeremy Willinger:
My good friend had given it to me. A beaten up copy of Gymkata with the spools of vhs tape about equidistant on either side. "This doesn't look like porn," I said. "Trust me," my friend assured me in his all-knowing voice, "its taped over."
Word spread quickly through my intellectually gifted magnet school that I had a porno. This was big news. Wednesdays, my parents came home late and the tv was in their bedroom, so after school, six friends and I walked briskly to my apartment.
This was a motley crew- myself, a good buddy, three chicks and one wierdo kid who stopped off to buy condoms at the drugstore on a dare while en route. Why he bought condoms I'll never know, but he did pass them out to everyone except me. "Strange," I thought, "why would he pass them out to everyone EXCEPT the one person who is making this journey into XXX-hood possible?"
We got to my place and clustered around the television. My friend, being the impish prick that he was, had arranged the tape so the first thing one sees upon hitting play is rough anal sex and a moment later, a massive explosion of man goo upon a smiling female visage. I was hoping to open with some foreplay and ease everyone's porn experience slowly- like a seeing eye dog guides a blind owner across a street that moments before, was teeming with impatient traffic.
There was a collective "ew" as the same face twisting visceral reactions spread from classmate to classmate. I too was taken aback but also eager to see how it all started- how did that wind up thrusting into there?
I rewound the tape, silently cursing the cheap VCR owned by my parents that prohibited viewing the material from its natural start seconds earlier than if we had bought a better model.
The movie quality itself was at best, poor. The actors all looked like rejects from the 1970's and the stories preposterous. Hardly a cinemaphile, I at least expected some production value and not some hairy guy who personified "cocaine problem" working out and suddenly having his member being fellated by a girl who has seen a truck stop or three.
We watched several scenes together in pondering silence. Slowly my friends began trickling off to their masturbatory privacy at their own apartments, leaving me to enjoy the video for another 10 minutes before my parents came home.
It is true what they say, porn does desensitize- but only if you are watching it with 5 other virgins with a less than zero chance of an orgy suddenly breaking out, or any offers to re-enact the scenes playing before your eyes.
I tugged ferociously, scene after scene of charging spunk finally released into my second pair of boxer shorts- the green ones with fishing lures on them from The Gap.
Ejecting the tape, I realized I was almost at the anus oriented point that I had begun. In a way, I had come (pun intended) full circle. The next day at school, my 5 classmates and I had a shared secret. I often wonder if they remember their first introduction to this world of taped copulation.
As for the tape, my parents made me throw it out after one of my classmates told her dad about what she saw and my parents demanded the video be destroyed. To this day, I have never seen Gymkata.