Thursday, August 16, 2007

Channel 100

Back in the mid 1970's, acquiring porn wasn't nearly as easy as it is today. You see, before the advent of cable as we know it, and such groundbreaking shows as HBO's "Electric Blue," it was each boy for himself. Unless, of course, your dad happened to be a gadget freak and the proud owner of the country's first cable box: Channel 100. Started in San Diego in 1972, Channel 100 became the first cable company to use the optical system arrangement. I'm still not sure exactly what that means, other than we were now treated to two movies a week! Kind of exciting, but still not porn. Fortunately, the pervert gene doesn't fall far from the tree, and it wasn't long until my brother and I made the discovery of a lifetime. Late one night, when he thought everyone else was asleep, we saw our father, in his skivvies, wedging a grape-stained popsicle stick into the rotary dial on the cable box. What the hell was that madman doing? And suddenly, in a flash, we witnessed a modern day miracle. LIke Moses before god, or Aristotle before Socrates, we were about to receive the gift of a lifetime. Porn! Sweet, glorious porn! My dad, in all his filthy genius, had just discovered and unlocked one of the divine cheat codes of the universe: a popsicle stick properly wedged between channels 99 and 100 would open up a channel of porn! Previously masked by ugly static, it had been there since the beginning! Like Oz from behind the curtain, the truth had been revealed! Unfortunately, so had my dad's now swollen Johnson, and my brother and I booked out of there like Shaggy and Scooby. The secret now revealed, it wasn't long until we returned with popsicle sticks of our own. After many failed attempts, complete with splinters and broken sticks, the students soon became the master. For the next few years, we were treated to porn on demand. And then, miraculously, the porn gods saw fit to bless us once again as my dad came home one evening with the country's first satellite dish!...

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