Friday, March 14, 2008

A Little Something For the Weekend Sir? Miss Piggy

Horatio writes: Thanks to Vincent in Rye, New York for bravely submitting the below.

I admit it. I have knocked one out to Miss Piggy. And it was not because desperate times called for desperate measures. I am not taking that out. Yes, pornography may have been low on the ground back when I was eleven and the Muppet Show was a must-watch family phenomenon. But it is hard to deny that there is something damn sexy about that woman. She is tough, ambitious, physical, yet vulnerable. Equal parts, Grace Jones, Sigourney Weaver and Tammy Wynette. I defy you to name another lady who is such a well-rounded force of nature.

I first became aware of the extent of my attraction when Brooke Shields guested on the show, right when she was riding high on her commando-Calvin Klein wearing exploits. There was no greater sex symbol in America right then and I am sure that 93% of the male population of this country had tuned in to watch her strut her stuff. But as the duo went through the motions of their act -- a song and dance routine to some showtune or other -- I realized that it was Piggy I could not keep my eyes off. She had a true animal magnetism that was arousing, personifying a passion that far surpassed that I had ever seen in any human. From that day forth, I excused myself as soon as the show was about to come, taking my leave from the rest of my family and sequestering myself alone in my bedroom, where I could watch the performance with my sweat-pants round my ankles, which come to think of it, was probably how Stadler and Waldorf enjoyed the show.

When I was done, I will admit I felt a mix of guilt and confusion. Partially because I was beating off to a pig. And partly because I was beating off to a puppet. With a voice accented by a dude.
But I know I am not alone in having these "feelings." And here is the proof. Someone took their time to carefully create this. And this. It is time those of us who feel this way stand up and be counted or create a facebook group or something. Please be in touch via this site.

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