Horatio writes: The truly remarkable Mike from New York City has nominated his fraternity brother David to the Hall of Fame. This was a man who, stay with me here, did not learn to masturbate until he reached the grand old age of 19. And so he enjoyed the subconscious secret pleasures of the nocturnal emission, twice a night until he went to college and got himself an education. "Exactly what century are we in here?" I hear you ask yourself. How does this happen? According to David, "It just never occurred to me. I don't think my folks ever spoke to about masturbation and the wet dreams began. My Mom never addressed the damage I was generating to my bed sheets and pajamas, I just kept at it. For the record, it had nothing to do with being lazy or preferring the wet dream, I just had no tips or motivation to begin to stroke it." Judd Apatow, please solve the writers strike now because right here is your prequel to 40 Year Old Virgin. Your Phantom Menace so to speak.
And, ladies and gentleman. Prepare to have your mental picture adjusted. David was no nerd. He was a five-sport letterman. Mike describes him as an amazing looking gent. "A lady killer" to the extent that "he was so knee-deep in pussy, we lived off his scraps at school." The trouble was, because he had not battle hardened his weapon, Mother Nature severely limited his ability to capitalize on his physical appeal. Mike remembers fondly that he would come home every morning perplexed that he got as far as having his lady rub up against him before he unloaded inside his Wranglers. David. You are a true American hero.